MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Another 125,000 jobs eliminated in just one month! When does it all end? And how are you being affected by this, even if you are employed? The Recession that began in 2007 is still in full effect in 2010 1/2, and there appears to be no end in sight. If you’re blessed enough to be gainfully employed, be grateful and say a prayer for those still looking for employment in these difficult times. I’m sure you know someone.

Recently I was in Los Angeles,Ca for the 2010 BET Awards. Can you say unbelievable because it was just that. Stars from film, TV ad of course the music industry were there in full force but there were 3 noticeable ones missing. I’m talking Grammy Award winners, chart toppers and idols for men, women and children. I’m speaking of Jay Z(Sean Carter) his wife Beyonce Knowles and Rihanna. The rumor last year was that if Chris Brown was to perform, all 3 would not attend. Needless to say Chris Brown didn’t perform and all 3 were in attendence. This of course stems from the domestic violence case Brown caught against his girlfriend at the time Rihanna. Sounds like a honest stand against violence right? Well this year Chris Brown did perform and those same 3 were no-shows. Last year Brown wanted to perform as a tribute to Michael Jackson but didn’t due to the obvious. That wasn’t the case this year when he gave a heart felt performance and hadgrown men like me in tears with his tribute to his idol. This is were I’m confused. Jay Z is known for rapping about his past life as a hustla(drug dealer) and a lot of other entertainers brag on their past transgressions but this 19-20 year old young man makes one mistake and you want to black ball him for life? How many families have crumbled due to there love ones becoming addicted to drugs, becoming prostitutes to feed there habit or in jail for robbing, killin and anything else to reach that high. I’m at no point saying what Chris Brown did is ok but just don’t act like your holier then thou. T.I. went to jail on gun and drug charges, Lil Wayne is serving time now, Gucci Mane gets out and we celebrate that with a big party and video. Now here’s where it gets really funny……the 1st thing some of them say when they get there award is…..I’d like to thank God!!!! Are you serious? Forgive and forget….heard of that? He who is without sin may he/she cast the 1st stone? If your preacher was to confess that he’s been unfaithful some of yall would forgive him/her without blinking an eye. Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s not a chix….. I’m just saying….Is it really a stand you’re taking or are you just a hypocrite? What are your thoughts?

According to “Billboard” Magazine, Michael Jackson’s most Popular song was “Say, Say, Say”, his mega duet with Paul McCartney. Although “Billie Jean”, stayed at number 1 longer, “Say, Say, Say”, stayed in the top ten longer, making it his most Popular song. R.I.P., Michael…

It’s summertime and the living ain’t easy, that’s fo’ sho’! Double digit unemployment, and very high among African-American teens. How do they get through the summer broke, busted and disgusted? Some will just choose to chill in the AC , play video games, watch tv and rob the refrigerator at will. Others may look for work and some might even find some. It is my prayer and wish that this summer, none of us fall victim of the realities of our economy. There are many ways to entertain each other and involve our children that don’t cost a lot of money. This summer, maybe you don’t get that vacation you want, but you can still vacate the premises (whatever happened to Sunday drives)? There’s always a close or distant relative to visit or a grandma to check up on. Hard times are supposed to bring families closer, so let’s do this. Get close to your loved ones this summer. Don’t cost you much, and the rewards can be even greater!

To all dads here and gone on to glory, I’d like to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. I am so blessed to have my life influenced by Rev. Donald Stowe (R.I.P.). The spiritual values he instilled in all his children has helped us become better fathers and mothers to our children. Out of all the men of our generation that I could point to as a hero, my father was mine. I miss ya dad, and I know you’re up there preaching to Jesus (uhh, he’s Jesus. You don’t have to preach to him)!

Enjoy the Midday Cafe with Shilynne..it’s up next on QMG!!

I’m Carolina born and bred, so my support is always with the home team. I’m a Charlotte Bobcats fan (and I hope MJ changes the name of the team). But that being said, we got the classic NBA finals going on, and for whatever reason, I want the L.A. Lakers to take the trophy! I just like Coby’s work ethics and determination. It rubs off on ya! Are you with me, or the Celtics?

When I was on air on Friday, I sent out good wishes in hopes that Gary Coleman would pull through the coma that he was in. One hour after my shift was over, I heard the news. Here’s to one one the funniest, cutest kid stars I grew up watching. This is from an episode of “The Jeffersons”, where he played their nephew, Raymond….before “Diff’rent Strokes”. This was a funny one. R.I.P…..

A old college friend, John, and I were talking the other day.  He had recently run into one of our frat brothers who I hadn’t seen in 25 years and sent me his picture.  Incredibly, Jules hadn’t aged in all these years, and is now a family man and father.  It blessed me to know that he was doing fine.  I mean, we can’t take for granted that any of us have another 25 years left to live.  When I asked about whether Jules was on facebook, John said Jules was adamant about not being on facebook.  I wondered aloud, “Why not”?  I was told it had nothing to do with a fear of technology and privacy laws or leaks.  It simply had to with Jules not wanting to reach back into the past.  I understood.  I, too, felt like this at one time in my life.

I’m content with my life and devoid of needing anyone’s approval, affirmation, or validation.  Yet, I admit to desiring to see the people who were apart of my life during a special, exciting, if not precarious time. The past is just that…the past. However, I imagine that there will always be those among us who still live there (in the past). And unfortunately, there may be some who will let that time, whether good or bad, define who they are even today. I’m not suggesting this has anything to do with Jules and his choices. His reasons are his own and I’m very grateful to know he and his family are well. Seeing his picture made my day! But, aside from him, I do believe there are people who may have a difficult time reconciling their past with their present without some confusion, regret, guilt, or shame.  Although we claim to have been “washed in the Blood of the Lamb”, many of us find it difficult to accept His pardon because we are still dealing with the natural consequences of our past sinful behavior.

We’re all grown up, now, right?  I respect Jules’ decision regarding reconnecting with people, places or things from years gone by.  However, I can only hope we can all learn from the relationships of our past, while understanding that none of us weren’t as grown or smart as we thought we were in our teens and 20s.  To be sure, there are some things we need to leave in the past, never to reacquaint with again. I can only imagine the foolishness some people, and yes, some couples have had to endure because someone from their past has inconspicuously crept into their present…through facebook, or some other form of social networking. While I’m not particularly concerned about this, I completely understand the fear some of us must have of something or someone (from their past) (re)introducing themselves to you, your spouse, and family.  Sadly, some people from our past may not have any good intentions whatsoever and are only seeking to cause more hurt and harm.

Yet, people do change.  Some actually grow up and become the adults that we thought we were 25 years ago.  Some of us can actually become agents of grace, mercy, and change by humbling ourselves and sharing a few words of apology and encouragement, none more important than, “I’m sorry”, or “I forgive you”.

But, you’ll first have to forgive yourself.  I believe that “hurt people” turn around and hurt people…”changed people” change people…and “healed people” help to heal people.  And I believe we all would agree that this is easier said than done.